a while ago i wrote a post called The Art of Letting Go and then i realised that every day, every minute, every second is our job to learn how to let go of things that happens to us, everything that doesn't belong to us. this is a constant process in our life and takes a whole lot effort. to be content, to be grateful, to be vulnerable.

if i haven't told you this, i'm gonna tell you now: it's scary as shit to be vulnerable. after i recently felt better in the process of letting some of my past go, i got strucked as my mother told me the news that my grandfather died. and if you don't know me personally, i had always had a special bond with my grandfather. he was always a major figure in my life, from the very first time i was born in this world, as important as my parents and my grandmother are to me. he taught me a lot of things. like, literally a lot i can't even name it one by one. even more than my own father had taught me.

i learned how to swim from him, he bought me and my brother our first bike, took us to the tennis court where he would buy us fresh coconut water after he played tennis with his friends, told me how to massage his feet when he was too tired, took me to the doctor when i was sick, taught me countless life lessons because his life was really tough when he was young.. he just wanted us to have a better life than his.

he was sick before i was born. the doctor diagnosed him to only live for a couple of years after he got hepatitis but he learned to accept his sickness and lived with it-which later developed to liver cancer-for 25 years. he was a fighter and i hope i have his caring and fighting spirit in me too.

the hardest part for me is that i couldn't hug him one last time before he died because i'm thousands of kilometers away from home and that i know he won't be there (physically) when i come home. he always told me that he was so proud of me and that i was his favourite. i know he loved us all (me, my brother and my cousins) but i guess i was the one who spent most time with him. this is also very hard for me since it's the first time that i have to deal with grief, that someone close to me passed away. i have never felt this kind of pain before.

i actually prepared myself to be ready when someday he passed away, but i never thought that it would feel like this. and i know that it's just his body that i can't touch anymore and his voice that i won't hear anymore, but i guess i have too many memories of him that shaped me to be who i am today. he was one of the first people, beside my parents, who believed that i could make my dreams come true. as cliche as it may sound. he had always believed in me and never doubted that. 

he was hot-headed and could handle anything life threw at him. he was adventurous, strong, wise and loving at the same time. i wish he knew how much i loved him and how much i'm gonna miss him.

so yes, life goes on. i've been crying every night in the last 3 days since the day he passed away but it doesn't mean that i won't let him go. i'm crying right now as i write this post. but i know that to be vulnerable is to accept pain and let your heart be softer and stronger. from now on, i will try to pass on his legacies; his good heart and spirit, to the world i'm living in. 
kung, you will always be in my every prayer, just like i was in your every prayer, inshaa Allah. i will forever be grateful to have you as my grandfather, the best that one can have.
peluk cium dari yaya.

hello again.
i really wanted to start to write again but hesitated, thought it wouldn't be the best idea to publicly pour my heart out just so some stranger can read what was my roller coaster of emotion in the past 6 months. but i think if i don't just write it, i wouldn't really be able to get it off my chest. so just to be clear, i write to figure things out. to untangle the knot of endless anxiety i'm currently having on my mind.

basically i had a really hard time dealing with psychological pain in the last couple of months. i talked to a friend who had similar experience and it took him longer than what i needed to accept and let go of what happened. well we're still trying to accept and let it go but i hope it gets better as time goes by.

so all my life, i never really had problems hanging out with boys. i even found it easier to hang out with them than with girls my age because i've always had the feeling of indirect competition between girls. and i don't like it. i hate that i had to dress up and make myself pretty to impress boys. i hate that in school, the society created some kind of social pressure that you have to have boyfriends/girlfriends to be considered normal. i was probably weird, but i'm glad i didn't give in to those "standards".

now that i don't live in my homeland anymore and i am responsible for myself, i have that feeling of liberation because i don't have to fulfill that idea of what a girl should and should not do at this and that point in life. i met new people, fell in and out of love, cried my eyes out, had the best time of my life, found me new families in this home away from home..
long story short, i met someone new and thought this was probably just gonna be like any other guys i had met before, and it turned out to be my mistake to not anticipate of what came next. i kinda liked talking to him because he responded just like the way i wanted to, and he liked me probably because he was able to forget the fact that he became completely messed up from his last break up. i sort of hoped that this would stay like this for a while, where everything is fine and nobody gets hurt but it started to change as i spent the majority of my time with him and it was kind of getting really time-consuming. and so i had this feeling that this was not gonna end up good. and my feeling turned out to be true. our closeness went really wrong, turning from 'like' to 'lust' and i didn't like it. i knew it was wrong because it felt wrong and i kept doing it. he was forcing himself on me, even after i didn't give consent and when i showed unwillingness, it directly went off the rails. i decided to stop seeing him and became this empty, traumatized person. i wasn't myself, couldn't really smile nor laugh and had to meditate a lot to release all the negative energy in me. i was disappointed with myself for letting it all happened in the first place. but i also knew it took a lot of strength from me to get out of this circle. so the first thing i tried to do was to forgive myself and apologize to my body. that's where i thought would begin the healing.

i was incredibly upset, i felt used and betrayed because all my trust i put in someone was ruined. later i found out that he might be a pathological liar and glad that i was freed from this whole mess early enough. but to be clear, i was assaulted and it was not okay. i know i'm not the only one, i know there are so many who are having it worse than me. but i just never expected it to be me. i thought i was strong enough to not let boys go near me that much. the worse part was that he didn't even have that remorsed feeling and never wants to acknowledge that his doing was wrong. he checked on everybody to make sure that he's still seen as the nice boy in town. he called me things behind my back and indirectly asked me to make sure i wasn't telling anybody about us. it was terrible.

but if i let it consume me, i wouldn't be a better person. so after i decided to try to forgive myself, i tried to forgive him. even when he doesn't apologise. i needed to forgive him to make peace with myself. to finally be able to move on with my life and to let me free from this unnecessary drama. i don't even care about what people think of me, that's probably the last thing i could be worrying about.

i hate that some men have -or society makes them feel like they have- the need to prove themselves as 'men' with this girl-conquest. but you can't hate them, you can't hate society, you can't hate the person who did it and you can't hate yourself. the more i try to forget it, the more it comes back to me. so i guess the only way is to accept everything that's happened and repulse any negativity that tries to bring you down. i'm still telling myself to take as much time i need to heal because there's no right or wrong in that. i was questioning my self-worth all the time, and that's was wrong and what made me depressed. i realised i don't need anybody's approval to love myself, but in that kind of situation it was really hard. moreover when you realised you gave the right pieces of you to the wrong person.

i know in this case i generally talked about women being the victim but it could also happen to men. and i'm not trying to make myself the victim here, because it's partly my fault too that all of this happened. so yes, i could see it from a different perspective now. i tried to comprehend his past and the complexity of the circumstances of it all but it really took me a while to get there and i'm still struggling to not let it define me and the actions i make.


"Forgive anyone who has caused you pain or harm.
Keep in mind that forgiving is not for others.
It is for you.
Forgiving is not forgetting.
It is remembering without anger.
It frees up your power, heals your body, mind and spirit.
Forgiveness opens up a pathway to a new place of peace where you can persist despite what has happened to you." - Les Brown



sidenote: this post was not meant to offend anyone, but was meant to liberate myself from the anxiety and hatred it has caused me.

spread the good love guys, xx R


Setelah sebelumnya sempat sering diprotes karena jarang nulis pakai bahasa ibu sendiri, saya coba aja mungkin yaa.. haha

Sebetulnya banyak alasan saya malas menulis menggunakan bahasa Indonesia, karena salah satunya saya merasa belum bisa menulis pakai bahasa yang baik dan benar. Suka masih malu juga karena ngomong aja masih suka campur campur bahasa Inggris, malah kadang Jerman kalau ngobrol dengan sesama pelajar Indonesia yang tinggal disini. Tapi bukan berarti saya tidak cinta bahasa sendiri. Bahkan sepertinya saya terlalu cinta dengan bahasa Indonesia dan bahasa Jawa. Bagaimanapun juga kan saya lahir dan delapan belas tahun hidup di Jawa.. Sayangnya saya sempat tumbuh dengan pola pikir bahwa semakin pintar bahasa Inggris semakin kamu gaul dan kalau bisa menyelipkan beberapa kata bahkan kalimat bahasa Inggris di dalam percakapan maka semakin keren lah kita.
Itu dulu ya, waktu masih labil dan masih muda, maunya paling keren dan gaul jadi ga sudi lah dengerin D'Massiv atau ST12. Sampai sekarang juga masih mikir-mikir kok kalau mau dengerin 😁

Alasan yang kedua karena yang membaca blog saya ternyata tidak cuma dari Indonesiaaa saudara-saudara. Jadi rasanya (mungkin ini perasaan saya aja) kalau mau menulis post pakai bahasa Indonesia kok sepertinya agak egois hehehe lagi pula saya niatnya dari awal ingin berbagi cerita ke sebanyak-banyak manusia.

Jadi apakah maksud dibalik saya tiba-tiba nulis post ini? Banyak.

Beberapa orang terdekat saya suka (lagi-lagi) protes kenapa saya jarang berbagi pengalaman selama tinggal di negara orang. Karena.. sebetulnya.. saya ngga kepikiran kalau pengalaman-pengalaman saya ini lebih istimewa dari orang lain sehingga patut ditulis di blog. Untuk yang belum kenal saya, saya tinggal di satu flat hampir dua tahun bersama dua orang Jerman (satu laki dan satu perempuan), satu anjing, satu kucing, dan satu kelinci. Mereka ini sudah seperti keluarga saya sendiri, bahkan sepertinya saya lebih sayang mereka daripada adik saya sendiri (ups. ngga kok, bercanda). Mereka ini yang menghibur kalau saya lagi susah, mendengarkan cerita ga penting saya tiap hari, partner olahraga, teman makan pagi/siang/malam dan partner diskusi mulai dari politik, kultur, agama, sampai kenapa orang Jerman Utara suka makan telur yang kuningnya warna orange.
Saya pun cukup sering dapat komentar macam "kok tinggal sama cowok sih, padahal pakai kerudung." atau "ih terus kalau mau sholat gimana kalau ada anjingnya di dalam rumah??" "kan orang bule suka minum/makan babi/bawa pacarnya pulang ke rumah." dan pertanyaan plus pernyataan serupa.
Faktanya, teman serumah saya dua-duanya tidak ada yang minum alkohol di rumah. Bukan karena saya, tapi karena kesadaran mereka sendiri bahwa alkohol bukan sesuatu yang esensial. Kalau ada teman datang mereka memang bawa wine, mereka mau minum juga saya tidak ada masalah, toh ngga ada yang sampai mabuk, muntah-muntah atau ngga bisa balik pulang ke rumah. Di rumah saya juga tidak ada yang makan daging babi. Lagi-lagi bukan karena saya tinggal disitu, tapi karena mereka sayang sekali sama binatang dan kalau ngga terpaksa ngga akan makan daging :) lah, pas banget kan? Saya tidak pernah sengaja cari flat yang orang-orangnya vegetarian juga lho.. tapi saya percaya, kalau orang yang sefrekuensi akan menarik orang lain yang juga sefrekuensi.

Mereka juga partner saya dalam humanitas, bersama mereka saya akhirnya tahu bagaimana rasanya ikut demo di Jerman menuntut hak-hak untuk pengungsi, membantu orang-orang yang mencari perlindungan ini belajar bahasa Jerman, dan lain lain, dan lain lain.. Ini bukan pamrih, cuma saya rasa kalau saya tidak tinggal dengan mereka, mungkin saya ngga akan bisa berkembang dan menjadi seperti sekarang ini.

Saya merasa meskipun mereka belum percaya agama (yang satu baru saja memutuskan keluar gereja dan yang satu lagi mengaku ateis), tapi mereka sudah menerapkan nilai-nilai agama saya tanpa melihat apakah mereka akan mendapat pahala atau tidak, akan masuk surga atau tidak. Justru disitu saya iri, karena mereka sudah jelas melakukan hal-hal tersebut dengan ikhlas meskipun bukan atas nama Allah sementara saya mungkin masih ada secuil rasa ingin diganti kebaikannya oleh Allah entah itu dengan pahala atau hal lainnya. Dan saya sudah sering juga didebat dan dinilai nyeleneh oleh orang, kalau prinsip saya "sebaiknya melakukan sesuatu jangan karena surga dan neraka tapi karena Allah" itu... ya nyeleneh. Lalu saya pikir, kenapa tidak kita lakukan aja dulu dengan bismillah, urusan dapat pahala atau tidak, masuk surga atau neraka itu bukan kuasa kita lagi, kan?

Kenapa saya belajar menghormati keputusan dan kehidupan orang lain serta belajar menjadi manusia yang welas asih dan lebih baik justru dari orang-orang yang dicap oleh banyak orang di negara saya dengan "kafir"? Saya sering sedih kalau mendengar kata tersebut, bahkan menulisnya saja saya kurang suka. Menurut saya, kita sebagai manusia tidak dalam kapasitas mencap seseorang itu "tersesat", "kafir" atau bahkan "salah" karena kebenaran itu datangnya dari Allah saja. Interpretasi kita akan kebenaran itu bukan kebenaran yang sesungguhnya, itu kan hanya opini dan keyakinan kita. Ilmu saya dalam hadits dan Al-Quran memang masih dangkal, tapi kadang saya ngga sampai hati dan jujur aja, sering miris kalau orang-orang yang mungkin hatinya penuh dengan cinta dan kebaikan seperti teman-teman satu flat saya dinilai "kafir" dan harus dijauhi.. lucunya, bahkan teman-teman saya ini sudah bisa menjelaskan kepada orang-orang Jerman lain kenapa saya pakai kerudung dan bahwa dalam kasus saya, itu bukan paksaan dari kaum laki-laki seperti citra perempuan berkerudung di dunia Barat selama ini.

Rasanya saya tidak pantas dipertemukan dengan orang-orang seperti mereka. Rasanya saya selalu kurang bersyukur.. dan rasa-rasa lain yang membuat saya ingin menangis setiap selesai sholat.

Jadi kalau ada yang bertanya kenapa saya sayang sekali dengan mereka atau kalau ada yang menganggap saya terlalu liberal dengan pemikiran-pemikiran beragama saya, saya ngga mau ambil pusing lagi. Toh yang rugi mereka, karena tidak merasakan indahnya bersaudara dalam perbedaan dan kemanusiaan. Justru saya merasa, Allah terlalu baik deh sepertinya sama saya yang bukan apa-apa ini..

Kaiserslautern, November 2015 (Demo gegen Pegida)

"Dia yang bukan saudaramu dalam iman, adalah saudaramu dalam kemanusiaan." - Ali bin Abi Thalib



7 months later after my last post and here i am, just passed the cold winter winds, welcoming spring, sitting in my bed wrapped in a blanket and thinking about how things are going pretty well, actually. and also how massive difference 7 months could make really amazed me. so many things happened, i was even home in indonesia for a couple of weeks in october, had 3 different jobs in the last 6 months, met an annoying (fortunately) temporary housemate and got to know genuinely good people i'm later thankful for.

there were hard times, where i thought this might not work out or this could end up anywhere and i was betting myself that i could make it out (the odds were pretty small). beside having to make peace with everything around me, i also had to make peace with myself. self-acceptance is probably the hardest thing someone has to go through. the process to being fully content with what you are is never easy. whether it's internally or physically. 
i've had enough of looking at numbers on the scale, worrying about how much i weigh (like most girls do), where actually what matters most is that you're healthy and happy and feeling radiant. and that really, that's the last thing you should be worried of.
i'm not the touchy-feeliest girl in the world, but what i tend to do is overthink. this wave of emotions really went to my nerves. and i found out that knowing you can't be with someone you really care about hurts. like, a lot. so much that i cried my eyes out even though i strongly believe i would never cry over boys. but it's ok, when that's what was needed to let everything go. and then you realize you can't change people. they have their own minds and their own will and the most you can do is to show them how much you care and hope they'll someday find the right path. and then came the question: is what we believe, really is the right path? because right and wrong are always relative. everything becomes relative the moment you try to question it.

here's some fragments of a poetry i really love (when love arrives - sarah kay & phil kaye):

.....and love grew, stretched like a trampoline. love changed. love disappeared, slowly, like baby teeth, losing parts of me i thought i needed.
love vanished like an amateur magician, and everyone could see the trapdoor but me.
like a flat tire, there are places i planned on going but my plans didn't matter.
love stayed away for years, and when love finally reappeared, i barely recognized him.
love smelt different now, had darker eyes, a broader back, love came with freckles i didn't recognize.
new birthmarks, a softer voice.
now there were new sleeping patterns, new favorite books.
love had songs that reminded him of someone else, songs love didn't like to listen to. so did i.

.....

love is not who you were expecting, love is not who you can predict.
maybe love is always in the wrong time zone, maybe love is not ready for you.
maybe you are not ready for love.
maybe love just isn't the marrying type,
maybe love is only there for a month.
maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit.
maybe love stays- maybe love can't.
maybe love shouldn't.








Okay so I need to apologize for not writing in a long time. Way too long, actually, as I promised myself I have to write more often so I can look back on my life journey later when I get older (uni and work got really intense in the past couple of months..)

I feel like I need to talk about destiny, the moment you meet someone new, and the moment you say goodbye to them.

I don't believe in coincidence. Well, if you ask me, I believe coincedences exist... in our eyes, human's eyes. When in fact, everything happens for a reason and was already written. Sometimes all we have to do is to choose. Our choices determine our life's paths. If I didn't choose to leave home, I wouldn't have ended up here, in a small town, being an engineering student and a part-time worker, I wouldn't have met people who made me feel alive and excited about life, wouldn't have done things I didn't know I could.. So I'm glad I made that choice and I think I did that also because I'm stubborn, gotta admit ;)

Sometimes I get really frustrated thinking about the future. I'm basically a pretty impatient person and the fact that there are times where I don't have any control of the future at all is emotionally challenging for me. And also it's pretty ironic because one of my middle names is Shabrina and is the Arabic word for patience. So right now I'm a bit sad that I have to say goodbye to one of my favorite people really soon.. He's gonna be back in half a year but it's hard when you see people everday and suddenly they're not there anymore. I totally would skip the 6 months of cold and dark winter if I could. But hey, maybe all those 5-6 months won't be bad at all. Maybe our 'coincidences' would surprise us in a way that we wouldn't expect. And all these 'maybes'.. are what makes life interesting.

Oooh and this week I just experienced one of the most beautiful and magical nights in my life. My roommates and I drove to a lake just outside town, snuck in and went swimming under the full moon light. That moment was so peaceful, exciting and beautiful at the same time. Well, peaceful until Fabi walked slowly into the water as he was singing 'I'm coming like a wreeeckinng baaalll!' hahaha. The moon was shining so bright that we didn't need any flashlight to walk the dark, little paths in the forest. After swimming, we sat by the lake, wrapped in blankets and talked about funny/annoying roommates experience, culture, life, things that you wouldn't have time to talk about in daily life. You guys, if you haven't done it yet, do it! The feeling of the old leaves at the bottom of the lake when your feet touch it, the warm water, the sound of owls at night.. I love everything about it.

Imagine this lake, but at night.


So until then, folks! Just finished my first exam of this semester yesterday so I'm just gonna chill a bit and go to the grill party with other volunteers this afternoon. Have a nice time y'all!

xx

A lot of people have asked me about how I nourish my body, especially the ones who I recently met, fellow Indonesians or friends at uni. Just to be clear, I don't restrict my body to eat animal products that much. Since I mentioned in another post that I want to be vegan, I've experimented a lot with the way I eat and my body. The reason why I started to be vegetarian in the first place is because I was sick of meat. The smell, the texture, the taste. Later I found out that not only the meat being sold at the markets nowadays (especially in European markets) is not ethical, they contribute hugely to the global warming. I am a vegetarian, under circumstances I am a pescatarian (for instance at home in my parents' house, because they only buy local and good fish). But since I'm living in another place and not at home, I'm pretty happy with being vegetarian and my body is saying it's happy too!

Like I said, I was considering to be vegan and I try to eat vegan at least once a week. But it doesn't mean that being vegan is the best way to nourish oneself.
After a lot of experimenting, I came to a conclusion that my body is not reacting well to dairy products. So I cut off cow milk and switched to soy/oat/other non-dairy milk. I'm also trying to avoid yoghurt, cheese and butter but it doesn't mean that I won't eat them anymore. Just maybe once every couple of months I will eat yoghurt or have pasta with cheese.
I'm also not saying no to eggs. I almost never buy eggs since I moved to Germany. Occasionally, I eat them when my housemate brings some eggs from his house because they have healthy, happy chickens and their eggs are delicious! But other than that, I can't guarantee if the eggs in the supermarkets are really free from disgusting hormones and chemicals.
Sweets. I'm not a big fan of sweets, but love chocolate and dried fruits. I still eat cakes and cookies sometimes. You just have to know the right amount of naughtiness ;)
After trying to eat vegan for a couple of weeks, I notice that I was constantly tired. And I don't blame the vegan diet, I just think that my body doesn't need it. It wants a balanced and more nature-sourced diet, yes, but not vegan. I've done a lot of research about veganism and know that it's absolutely cool and okay to be vegan. But I love my body and I want to be as fair as I can be to myself and the Earth so I decided to always try to eat local, organic and balanced.

So what do I eat on a daily basis? I eat plenty of oats and other grains, beans, fruits, veggies (always buy local products if you can!), nut butter, bread, pasta, rice, sweet potatoes, sooo many other tasty and delicious food! I also try to stay active and to not miss meal time (especially breakfast) because it's important that your body gets the right fuel it needs.

Breakfast is probably my favorite meal of the day. Most of the time I have oats for breakfast, whether in müsli or porridge, or even home made oat bars. Sometimes I'd like to have some change and have bread with avocado instead. (I only buy spanish avocadoes because the peruvians or South Americans cost too many CO2) Here's my recipe of oat porridge. It's easy, cheap, filling and tasty!


And as always, there's no measuring amount because I just use my feeling when I cook! :D

Oats (about 80g, maybe?)
Non-dairy milk or water (double the amount of oats, depends on your liking)
Fruits (I used raspberies, apricots and banana)
Honey
1 tbsp of lucuma powder (optional)

>> Cook everything in a pot on low to medium heat, stirring occasionally.
>>Transfer to a bowl, top with more fruits and sunflower seeds.
>> Enjoy!

I discovered spoken word poetry -and Sarah- a few years ago and instantly fell in love with her poems. They speak the truth about human feelings, empowerment and even little things in life. One of my favorite poems of hers ever is this one. This makes me realize that men don't define you as a woman. If they can accept you with the way you define yourself as a woman, they're a keeper!

The Type

If you grow up the type of woman men want to look at,
you can let them look at you.
But do not mistake eyes for hands or windows or mirrors.
Let them see what a woman looks like.
They may have not ever seen one before.

If you grow up the type of woman men want to touch,
you can let them touch you.
Sometimes, it is not you they are reaching for.
Sometimes it is a bottle, a door, a sandwich, a Pulitzer-
another woman.
But their hands found you first.
Do not mistake yourself for a guardian or a muse or a promise
or a victim or a snack.
You are a woman- skin and bones, veins and nerves, hair and sweat.
You are not made out of metaphors, not apologies, not excuses.

If you grow up the type of woman men want to hold,
you can let them hold you.
All day they practice keeping their bodies upright.
Even after all this evolving it still feels unnatural.
Still strains the muscle, hold firms the arms and spine.
Only some men will want to learn what it feels like to curl
themselves into a question mark around you,
admit they do not have the answers they thought they would
by now.
Some men will want to hold you like the answer.
You are not the answer.
You are not the problem.
You are not the poem or the punch-line or the riddle or the joke.

Woman, if you grow up the type men want to love,
you can let them love you.
Being loved is not the same thing as loving.
When you fall in love, it is discovering the ocean after years of
puddle jumping.
It is realizing you have hands.
It is reaching for the tightrope when the crowds have all gone 
home.

Do not spend time wondering if you are the type of women
men will hurt.
If he leaves you with a car alarm heart, you learn to sing along.
It is hard to stop loving the ocean even after he has left you
gasping- "salty."
So forgive yourself for the decisions you've made.
The ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night.
And know this:
Know you are the type of woman who is searching for a place
to call yours.
Let the statues crumble.
You have always been the place.
You are a woman who can build it yourself.
You are born to build.