i'm alive!!

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7 months later after my last post and here i am, just passed the cold winter winds, welcoming spring, sitting in my bed wrapped in a blanket and thinking about how things are going pretty well, actually. and also how massive difference 7 months could make really amazed me. so many things happened, i was even home in indonesia for a couple of weeks in october, had 3 different jobs in the last 6 months, met an annoying (fortunately) temporary housemate and got to know genuinely good people i'm later thankful for.

there were hard times, where i thought this might not work out or this could end up anywhere and i was betting myself that i could make it out (the odds were pretty small). beside having to make peace with everything around me, i also had to make peace with myself. self-acceptance is probably the hardest thing someone has to go through. the process to being fully content with what you are is never easy. whether it's internally or physically. 
i've had enough of looking at numbers on the scale, worrying about how much i weigh (like most girls do), where actually what matters most is that you're healthy and happy and feeling radiant. and that really, that's the last thing you should be worried of.
i'm not the touchy-feeliest girl in the world, but what i tend to do is overthink. this wave of emotions really went to my nerves. and i found out that knowing you can't be with someone you really care about hurts. like, a lot. so much that i cried my eyes out even though i strongly believe i would never cry over boys. but it's ok, when that's what was needed to let everything go. and then you realize you can't change people. they have their own minds and their own will and the most you can do is to show them how much you care and hope they'll someday find the right path. and then came the question: is what we believe, really is the right path? because right and wrong are always relative. everything becomes relative the moment you try to question it.

here's some fragments of a poetry i really love (when love arrives - sarah kay & phil kaye):

.....and love grew, stretched like a trampoline. love changed. love disappeared, slowly, like baby teeth, losing parts of me i thought i needed.
love vanished like an amateur magician, and everyone could see the trapdoor but me.
like a flat tire, there are places i planned on going but my plans didn't matter.
love stayed away for years, and when love finally reappeared, i barely recognized him.
love smelt different now, had darker eyes, a broader back, love came with freckles i didn't recognize.
new birthmarks, a softer voice.
now there were new sleeping patterns, new favorite books.
love had songs that reminded him of someone else, songs love didn't like to listen to. so did i.


love is not who you were expecting, love is not who you can predict.
maybe love is always in the wrong time zone, maybe love is not ready for you.
maybe you are not ready for love.
maybe love just isn't the marrying type,
maybe love is only there for a month.
maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit.
maybe love stays- maybe love can't.
maybe love shouldn't.


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