time to heal

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hello again.
i really wanted to start to write again but hesitated, thought it wouldn't be the best idea to publicly pour my heart out just so some stranger can read what was my roller coaster of emotion in the past 6 months. but i think if i don't just write it, i wouldn't really be able to get it off my chest. so just to be clear, i write to figure things out. to untangle the knot of endless anxiety i'm currently having on my mind.

basically i had a really hard time dealing with psychological pain in the last couple of months. i talked to a friend who had similar experience and it took him longer than what i needed to accept and let go of what happened. well we're still trying to accept and let it go but i hope it gets better as time goes by.

so all my life, i never really had problems hanging out with boys. i even found it easier to hang out with them than with girls my age because i've always had the feeling of indirect competition between girls. and i don't like it. i hate that i had to dress up and make myself pretty to impress boys. i hate that in school, the society created some kind of social pressure that you have to have boyfriends/girlfriends to be considered normal. i was probably weird, but i'm glad i didn't give in to those "standards".

now that i don't live in my homeland anymore and i am responsible for myself, i have that feeling of liberation because i don't have to fulfill that idea of what a girl should and should not do at this and that point in life. i met new people, fell in and out of love, cried my eyes out, had the best time of my life, found me new families in this home away from home..
long story short, i met someone new and thought this was probably just gonna be like any other guys i had met before, and it turned out to be my mistake to not anticipate of what came next. i kinda liked talking to him because he responded just like the way i wanted to, and he liked me probably because he was able to forget the fact that he became completely messed up from his last break up. i sort of hoped that this would stay like this for a while, where everything is fine and nobody gets hurt but it started to change as i spent the majority of my time with him and it was kind of getting really time-consuming. and so i had this feeling that this was not gonna end up good. and my feeling turned out to be true. our closeness went really wrong, turning from 'like' to 'lust' and i didn't like it. i knew it was wrong because it felt wrong and i kept doing it. he was forcing himself on me, even after i didn't give consent and when i showed unwillingness, it directly went off the rails. i decided to stop seeing him and became this empty, traumatized person. i wasn't myself, couldn't really smile nor laugh and had to meditate a lot to release all the negative energy in me. i was disappointed with myself for letting it all happened in the first place. but i also knew it took a lot of strength from me to get out of this circle. so the first thing i tried to do was to forgive myself and apologize to my body. that's where i thought would begin the healing.

i was incredibly upset, i felt used and betrayed because all my trust i put in someone was ruined. later i found out that he might be a pathological liar and glad that i was freed from this whole mess early enough. but to be clear, i was assaulted and it was not okay. i know i'm not the only one, i know there are so many who are having it worse than me. but i just never expected it to be me. i thought i was strong enough to not let boys go near me that much. the worse part was that he didn't even have that remorsed feeling and never wants to acknowledge that his doing was wrong. he checked on everybody to make sure that he's still seen as the nice boy in town. he called me things behind my back and indirectly asked me to make sure i wasn't telling anybody about us. it was terrible.

but if i let it consume me, i wouldn't be a better person. so after i decided to try to forgive myself, i tried to forgive him. even when he doesn't apologise. i needed to forgive him to make peace with myself. to finally be able to move on with my life and to let me free from this unnecessary drama. i don't even care about what people think of me, that's probably the last thing i could be worrying about.

i hate that some men have -or society makes them feel like they have- the need to prove themselves as 'men' with this girl-conquest. but you can't hate them, you can't hate society, you can't hate the person who did it and you can't hate yourself. the more i try to forget it, the more it comes back to me. so i guess the only way is to accept everything that's happened and repulse any negativity that tries to bring you down. i'm still telling myself to take as much time i need to heal because there's no right or wrong in that. i was questioning my self-worth all the time, and that's was wrong and what made me depressed. i realised i don't need anybody's approval to love myself, but in that kind of situation it was really hard. moreover when you realised you gave the right pieces of you to the wrong person.

i know in this case i generally talked about women being the victim but it could also happen to men. and i'm not trying to make myself the victim here, because it's partly my fault too that all of this happened. so yes, i could see it from a different perspective now. i tried to comprehend his past and the complexity of the circumstances of it all but it really took me a while to get there and i'm still struggling to not let it define me and the actions i make.

"Forgive anyone who has caused you pain or harm.
Keep in mind that forgiving is not for others.
It is for you.
Forgiving is not forgetting.
It is remembering without anger.
It frees up your power, heals your body, mind and spirit.
Forgiveness opens up a pathway to a new place of peace where you can persist despite what has happened to you." - Les Brown

sidenote: this post was not meant to offend anyone, but was meant to liberate myself from the anxiety and hatred it has caused me.

spread the good love guys, xx R


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