hi again. crazy that it's almost christmas (already?!) and new year is also around the corner. when i think about 2008 i still think that it's 3-4 years ago, not 10. it means i'm officially an almost-23-year-old grown-up who is sometimes not ready to take care of her own shit and would gladly stay in bed and binge watch some movies or do yoga and drink teas all day.

the truth is, i have to move my lazy ass every morning out of bed to go to uni and on weekends to go to work and this was pretty overwhelming for me in the beginning. after 10 months of having the same routine, i kinda get used to it and even had shitty mood when i didn't have to go to work on saturday. it feels like you're a machine that is always running and when it's time to take a break you don't really know how to do it. and to be honest, the beginning of this year is kind of a blurry vision to me. i lost my weird cashier job with too little money (which is not very tragic, after all), found a new job which is my current job right now, my roommate was back after half a year away, had a life-changing love-life drama, met some assholes and some good people along the way, my grandfather passed away, had a fight with my another roommate after 2 years living together and ended up in good terms even better than before, aaaand a lot more happened. some of my closest and beloved people also moved out of the city. not to mention the never ending uni deadlines and laboratory and exams in between all of that.

there were moments where i just wanted to sit in the corner and cry my eyes out because i couldn't hold it any longer. i was always the kind of person who wants to please everybody and wants to be everybody's best friend, who wants to handle everything perfectly and i learned the hard way that you just can't. some people just want to use your kindness for their own benefits, some don't even care about your well-being as long as they're happy with themselves and some don't really know what to do and just being sympathetic because they pity you.

i also learned to really, actually, deeply love myself. self-love is the hardest thing to do, to know the right amount of self-love really is an art. after a bitter experience-i won't go into details-that i have written in a post before (about forgiving and healing), i can now say that you are the only thing you need to be happy. everything else will fall into place right after you find your peace and acceptance for yourself. and right then, you can start to give love to others who deserve or maybe don't deserve it.

i have decided that i will not regret that i have given my time and attention to the wrong people in my life. maybe it's part of the process of finding out and realizing that the right ones were beside you all along and would support you through thick and thin. i also had a hard time to be honest with myself, to finally acknowledge my feelings i have tried to bury because i didn't want to face the truth. and turns out, the truth is not so bad after all. i still feel like i don't deserve all the attention and love that i get every minute and every day from my loved ones, but maybe that's the way the universe is showing me that i, despite everything i have ever complained about, am loved.

so thank you to everyone who brought me to be where i am today. there's always the first time for everything. this year i felt the kind of heartache for the first time that made me cry three days in a row because someone i love passed away. for the first time, i found out that i can actually love someone so much it hurts to even imagine not being with them. for the first time, i was so depressed and anxious that i started to doubt my self-worth. but again and again, i found out that the universe has its own way to work things out. thank you for everyone who has hurt me and thank you for everyone who has healed me. let us all welcome the new year with a big smile and even bigger heart.

love xx